Somethings in life will come when you least expect them to... Babies, New Love, those are the most common in my mind. Success, unknown fortunes/win-fall events, death, extreme loss/downfalls, those sometimes are easier to foresee, they happen over time and with awareness you can see them coming. Sometimes... Categorically and statistically speaking it would be hard to chart out "the most common, unexpected events" likelihood. I'm sure there have been attempts...
Some things I have had to accept throughout my life were: The fact that a two party earning house hold may provide more structure and opportunity for a child raised in such a setting. Another might be, my childhood does not dictate my future or potential. Though I was raised with few resources, I was also raised with much beauty surrounding. Taking note of privileges, like skiing since 3 years of age, being a raft guide and essentially being handed one of my first jobs that molded much of my young adult life...
More finite things like accepting growth beyond some peers, learning to accept that "Fixing" someones addiction is not up to me, even if I wish to support them, ultimately it is their moment to take initiative when given opportunity. Learning to accept that friends will remember old versions of you and never wish to know the new versions. Some people don't wish to grow with you, or pursue a dream together. Some friends won't root for you to fix a relationship, but rather... add to the stress and continue to push for you to just give up, only to then go and pursue that person. Somethings, just are drama filled, and regardless of intent, can hurt your heart, damage your soul and drain your energy.
I was young, I was in love, and I wanted to dream big. 2013, 19 years old. My bags were packed, I said goodbyes and I left Massachusetts. West.
Months prior, I had professed my love to someone who I had been close with since I was 14. We enjoyed each others company and planned to re-meet in Denver or Crested Butte, somewhere in Colorado. My experience in Denver was not the same as hers in college. I had a bicycle, a backpack and much of my life packed in a large camping bag. I've told some of this story before in my other pieces... Anyway, there I was, young, broke and just trying.
Trying wasn't enough. And I was pretty good at failing or having bad luck for a while. Things went downhill pretty fast. I was not eating well, not sleeping well and had no money. I was worried that I wouldn't even make it back to Massachusetts. But when I returned... I was surprised to find that I had no place to call home. I might have been just as well off in Denver. Another thing I had to just accept.
Things took time to get better. And sometimes it wouldn't last long before it got worse than before. This was a serious pattern, from year to year, life just got harder. I've covered enough of the past, but wanted to bring up what is most relevant, Colorado and my "Big dreams".
I wanted to build a name for myself, writing, sharing art and stories, being a traveling photographer and working from the road, or on the road. This was my dream in 2013. I believed I could create documentaries, or editorial pieces on different people, their stories, experiences, business or art. Not many people believed that ANYONE could make money doing that, which confused me. It already existed, it wasn't unheard of. It just was not common in 2013.
Here I am. March 7th, 2023. Sitting in Moab, UT., and writing this from the middle of the desert. Fresh air, airplanes, large cathedral-esque rock formations, cacti and cute squirrels with short tails running from sand burrow to bush, and back to burrow again. This is literally what I imagined for myself in my future. And it would not be happening if I had not believed in myself, but also, had people who began to believe in me and help support this dream.
As you now know, radical acceptance has been a practice that was in my life from a very early start. I only began to understand and recognize when radical acceptance has it's place in the last year. It took much loss, and possibly as many equal gains to finally start to see it. I am also very willing to admit that I have not even begun to approach "mastery" of this practice, or any practice for that matter. But I do have a few that I'd like to work towards.
My emotions get to me sometimes. Controlling them seems like a silly thing to do. I believe emotions are possibly the most human thing about us, besides our abilities to have language and seemingly infinite personalities and beliefs. Sure, you can see a dog or elephant showing joy similarly, or parallels in sorrow. But one thing that makes us really special in my mind is definitely the ability to have feelings, recollect feelings and have memories that mold us and our entire being.
I genuinely do not know who I would be if I had not been given opportunities to go on multi-day hikes with Langston and his father. I do not know what my political beliefs would be if I had not been exposed to people who demanded representation and equality, called out hypocrisy and were critical of not just one party, but much of the established world around us. All of these things were just part of my daily experience. Elders and Peers whom molded my very being... The feelings I was given when I had curiosity in the Natural world and Civil world. Some of these feelings grew out of welcome. Sometimes I felt like friendships were too complicated, and that not every conversation needed to become a debate. Of course, I do have a challengers mind and mentality as well.
Accepting death or loss, new connections, growth and abundance have been the waves of highs and lows lately. To be honest, I don't know how to feel when I hear of another death. On the phone this morning (now Thursday, March 9th, 2023), my mom said we had a cousin pass away this week. She had just texted her on Sunday. We had just seen that side of the family at a funeral a week before I left on this road trip...
Moving forward, to better things. This road trip itself came from a moment of radical acceptance. My godfather had passed away just days before my birthday, last year. One of my best friends passed away in December, and I had almost no hope to get a car, job or source of income to work towards either back in that period of time. I was blessed with enough funds to get wheels rolling, on the road and moving towards a long awaited mission.
Accepting such a gift, so much support and genuine care towards the idea that I go and live, experience and not worry for a while... It was not easy to accept. None of it. I had taken care of my family, not just my mother, but my grandmother in my early 20s, my friends who experienced insecurity with housing, with relationships, with money, with transportation, with jobs... Anything. I helped people. Although I did receive support and help from friends and family from time to time, I had never been given the chance to go do what I wanted with the support of someone who really wanted to help me in whatever manner possible. This was an opportunity I could not waste... As I have seen my peers do, time and time again.
With what most spend in a week on a vacation, I set off on the journey of a lifetime. 11,700 miles planned. Just over $1,300. And plans to make money however I could along the way. Doordash if I became desperate. Photoshoots if I could. And here I am, a testament to my own drive. I have hardly done any Doordash, because I have figured out how to market myself enough to make money to get 4,900 miles into this journey. Beyond that, I am waiting on a Grant which I was accepted for back in February just a week or two before leaving for this road trip. And much more is coming... Much more.
In the last month, I have traveled through 15 states. Been to Denver twice, and will be back for a 3rd time next week, after visiting Taos for a second time. I will be celebrating the life of one of my close friends on Monday and sharing that experience with his mother and another friend. There is no way that I could explain all of the feelings and thoughts and revelations that have washed over me during this journey. I never could have imagined feeling at home in a state that is more than 2/3rds across the country.
Social media has been a hard place for me on occasion. Not knowing who is really a friend or an enemy. Not knowing when someone is truly interested in your life, or may be digging. Paranoia, and anxiety, I feel that when I begin spiraling through those deep neuro-paths. It is human to feel... But more important to ground, breathe, and heal. Trusting in myself became difficult when I stopped trusting in others. And I used to be very trusting... To a point where friends might take my car out and drive it while I was at work because I left the keys in the ignition and windows down. My home was always unlocked, and I never bothered to check how much was taken from the jar when I said they could take as much as they'd like... Or to eat as much as they wanted, to make themselves at home before I got back, etc., etc.
I had to accept that numbers don't matter, and true connections will find a way to come back to you. Perhaps one of the more radical things I have ever done, among shaving my head, deleting my facebook which may have been the only way to recover 200BTC (Bitcoin, valued over $13M USD at it's peak...), and trying to move to Colorado with a backpack and bicycle... I deleted every single follower on my Instagram account. *SHOCK* I'm sure is the feeling you have, or maybe *AWE*. And not the bastardized version of "Awe" that relates to Hotdogs or Red and Orange socks, (Eddie Izzard, look it up, thank me later), I mean the kind of awe like "wow that's crazy because society cares so much about how many followers we have, and who's watching and it's so crazy to let go of ego like that".
I agree. It's pretty wild to let go of 1,000+ people who you have amassed as a following over many years of sharing art, stories, poems and a personal journey. But I have no clue why it's such a big deal. I did it because I was paranoid and anxious. Not because I was brave or willing to release my ego... I genuinely knew that I had people who were watching my social media posts and reporting my words and thoughts to my ex-girlfriend, and I had no clue who it was. In deleting everyone, I was also able to identify and block who it was that was seeing my posts. It also brought me so much peace.
- "What a life.", this is all that I can say when I reflect.
Through the journey, I have met with old friends, new friends, been pointed in the direction of many beautiful places, countless coffee shops for Chai, and continue to just follow the winds that guide me. Not that numbers matter at all, because they genuinely don't... I have reconnected with hundreds of old friends through social media. Many of them reaching out and celebrating my Odyssey across the US...
- My journey from the nest of Western Massachusetts.
Leaving Moab, I have skipped much of the adventures that I have to share with you. But the stories will be told. I may be behind on my schedule of "Posting" or "Updates from the road", and this may have lacked images because I was lazy... Or because I felt that this piece of writing deserved no distractions. But what I am leaving with now, is one of the best feelings yet...
Peace, Gratitude and Radical acceptance.
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