I mentioned skipping a lot of the bad stuff from 2016-2020. Just because it all can get either confusing about where I was at what time, and what was happening in my life. Even for me. This period, I went from having a car, a place to stay and good income between 2-3 jobs, creating from passion and the heart... To being overworked, overtired and unfulfilled.
- Life began getting difficult.
In Colorado, I found myself always dreaming of how to make it work. How to find a new plan, how to have fun regardless of the situations and environment. I was dedicated to living fully.
I used to spend my time by the rivers, lakes and streams in Massachusetts. I would get out, bike and do things freely, alone, and on my own volition. Never seeking approval or permission for my own life and decisions. I was so content with my own presence and the absence of others. I needed to regain that feeling of content.
It was after the almost 2 year relationship that I struggled the most to find myself again. I had jumped right into it and was totally in love with the new person in my life, but I had not processed any of the feelings I had left behind in Colorado. What haunted me was not what was left behind however, but what came back from it.
Two months had passed after we lost the house, broke up and I gave up on trying to find balance with the finances of the house, (last and security owed back to me, and money I spent on fixing my ex-partners car, and covering the electric bill, etc. etc.). I had been sleeping at a friends house, hitchhiking to work and saving up as much as I could. Working 80-100 hours per week, and by the end of that March, I was looking to buy myself a car from a close friend. My first car in my name. (pictured above: Colorado, 2013. Signs in Gunnison, CO. and photos from a 4 day hike.)
(pictured: my first car, 2015/2016)
It had some flaws, but I made it my very own. This was the first time I really felt free to create and be myself again. I didn't have a place to stay, but I had enough room in the car for my rafting gear, my clothes, my camera and backpack of tech-y things. I began dreaming of living a life that I imagined. A flashback to the signs that were seen in the window of a shop in Gunnison, CO., just one year prior.
I worked hard to make money and get on my feet, but continued to struggle with keeping a steady job/stream of income. I would get to one place of comfort/routine, and feel as though I would be nearing a healthy balance. Then would find myself getting fired by one or another job. The struggle of saving, or having income to save with would be wiped away at any fluctuation in any stream of income. I continued dreaming of living a life that I imagined.
Winter of 2016 came, I was 22 and began renting a room with some very loving and supportive friends, Viv and Josiah, with their two fluffy kittys. Buffalo and Catalpa. I spent a lot of my time skiing, working at Mount Snow in the kitchens again, coaching skiing for the Charlemont Academy, and just enjoying life. It was happening, a healthy work:play ratio was coming into balance. I spent a lot of this time beginning to dream of making videos and taking photos to share and document the life that I was building. I was at peak health, and the most active during the next couple years.
(Below: rafting the Dryway, 2017)
(Below: hiking Mount Snow, 2016)
(Below: Mark, "Ole Man, River". One of my first mentors at Zoar. And huge supporter of my dreams, 2017)
(Below: hiking Mount Snow 2016)
Happiness comes from doing things that make you feel gratitude, either from being able to give and share, or from being able to receive and reflect. I experienced this commonly as I began believing in a different way of life... - One where I could ski, raft, create and build with friends and new connections. I met new people in these years who came into my life in ways I could never have expected or prepared myself for. Each time, finding that the world was indeed a small place.
Each year, a new group of trainees would be added to the Zoarite roster. Some guides would return for a second season, others might move onto new rivers, or new career paths. But each year... I came back, only taking one season off during a stretch of 5+ years since the start in 2010/2011. I met a lot of people, not only the co-workers, but also people who came rafting and remembered me from working in the retail/outfitters shop, in prior years. Sometimes I would get families who would return the next season, and request me as their guide. I my cup was filling with every reconnection.
Zoar became my happy place after time went by, I could play, and share the outdoors with people. I began caring too much about trying to get a leg up in the industry, rather than just treating it as my job. I had no extra credentials other than actual river experience, and my cycle of instability with housing, reliable transportation and general routine made it difficult to be a convincing candidate for a new position. I understood fully, but still struggled to find myself happy with the fact that I couldn't find stability, and that maybe all I needed was one good break. Where it would come from? I'm still wondering...
(Above: a stone sculpture that I had built, down
by the Shelburne Falls, Glacial Potholes.
(Below: Steve B, Amber and trainee's. 2018)
(Above: A snapshot from a trip to NYC in 2018 with
Harry, a friend from my late teens into my young
adulthood. We were visiting Libby, my friend from
highschool who I had visited for my 21st birthday,
with my ex-partner in 2015.)
(Below: Lydia, a friend who I would have long conversations with in my car, in the woods, by the river, or just about anywhere, 2018)
(Below: a flash back to a high water day with 1st year guides and 2nd year guides. Marissa, Thom, Davis, Kyra, Katie, Anna, Lexxey, Nick, Aiden and more. You can see my Subaru with my camera bag hanging out of the back.)
Mount Snow needed workers, so I recruited two of my childhood/high-school friends into the kitchens/cashier positions at the Main and Summit lodge. I would pick them up, drive them in, work all day and drive them home, rarely being reimbursed for gas, time or even the care I took to get them their jobs and considering the fact I would drive them on my days off, and just commit to skiing all day, without getting reimbursed for that either... This burned me out quickly.
It was all too common that I would be barely able to fill my gas tank, pay rent, and feed myself at the end of each pay period, meanwhile both friends were living rent free at the time at their families homes, ended up getting positions that paid better than my position, (not because of skill or anything, just because they were allowed to accept tips, and I was not). And eventually it was just not a fair situation for me and the energy and time I put out, and never received in any form back. Not even a "thank you", most days.
This is when I began dreaming of something better. 2018 had other plans for me though.
I was fired on Christmas for driving up a one way road, with good reason... The other road was blocked by a car that was stuck sideways, across the road and had no clear owners nearby. Everyone blamed me for doing something "stupid" when in reality, I had been getting treated worse and worse at the mountain for years.
I showed up, cooked, cleaned, trained people who became my manager in just a matter of months... And kept wondering, where is MY break? When do I GET TO EAT? It clearly was not this year. I had moved out of my friends place the spring prior, had spent the last two summers in my next car which was another Subaru, this time, purchased from my friend Mike, who got it from Pat's family. All Zoarites, ending the line with me. I was living at my moms, in what became known as "The Shed".
(Below: The retired Subaru, Shed and next car which I borrowed for a year almost.)
(Below: The next car after the Hyundai, which was loaned to me. This was the Volvo 940 from 1994. My favorite car that I had ever owned.)
I had been in the shed in 2017 for the winter as well, if I recall correctly. And then I chose to be car camping the following summer. Winter 2018 was difficult because I had been through a lot that summer... I was driving the Subaru as it was slowly falling apart. Couldn't seem to save up money again because my car constantly needed things, and I was mentally unstable because I continued to lack stability in all aspects of life... Starting with housing, and regular eating/nourishment, lack of sleep and hopelessness.
I was attacked that summer, physically beat up, in public.
That same summer, my grandfather died.
And then one of my favorite musicians, who's album had helped me grieve and find peace...
My world was ripped apart.
Lost. Confused. Scared. Sad. Many emotions just became part of my daily life. I had migraines from the concussion. I had anxiety in public places, I hardly went out to see live music. I lost many friends due to being in a bad place mentally for months on end. I began feeling totally isolated from people who I once spent most of my time with. I needed to get to a better place.
The Hyundai I was borrowing began falling apart in Spring of 2019, I was dating my ex-partner from Colorado again, and she had moved closer from the other side of the state, in November of 2018. We had tried a couple times to have me move my things into her place, often lasting less than a week, adding more complications than it solved, (for my life at least). This began a vicious cycle of me bouncing back and forth from my moms, to my ex's... For almost 3 years. Sprinkled in were 6 month stays in Charlemont in my own room, in a shared apartment, but that's not until Fall of 2020.
(Below: ReggaeFest 2018, Charlemont, Mass.)
(Below: A photo of me that was shared on Mount Snow's instagram page, 2014.)
(Below: my first wedding photos added to my portfolio, 2018.)
(Below: Molly and Brian's wedding, my second "professional gig", when I started believing in myself.)
(Below: A conceptual piece of art, including a self portrait and a shutter/lens dragged image of trees. Presented as a Dyptic, 2013 when I attened GCC.)
I began struggling to face reality and conquer my thoughts during 2019. With the mixture of emotions from being fired, to losing my Grandfather, having his entire inheritance being stolen by my Uncle, having relationship issues, family issues and car issues... I thought I might have hit a bottom. I hoped so at least.
Looking up, and believing in my own ability to find satisfaction and happiness, I looked back at what made me happy. I had made some skiing videos during the spring of 2018, some may remember the "Miracle March" of that year. We had plenty of snow to play with, late into April. I had an old GoPro and a lot of time on my hands between Ski season and rafting season, so I did what I enjoyed.
(Below: Working for Zoar, as the photographer while Bob and Martha went on a trip to LA. 2018)
(Above: Davis, Nick, Lexxey, Anna, Chester, Val, Colleen, Marissa at a Barn Party, 2018)
(Below: Miracle March in Mike M.'s Back yard 2018)
That year was when I think it started to happen. Things weren't smooth, nor are they yet, still. But I began picking up gigs, going out and experiencing life again. It was great. Many of my friends were happy to reconnect, others, not so much. Regardless, I was doing a lot better because I was doing what I wanted. Rafting in the summer, and I had picked up a new winter gig that paid better than anything else so far... Nosh.
I made a name for myself up near Mount Snow, as the "Pizza guy", even though I preferred "Flatbread Specialist". As you can see why I would like to be separated from just "Pizza Guy".
(Below: Flatbreads, "Pig & Cow", Butternut- Squash, Shrimp-Arugula, and Mushroom- Chevre, 2019.)
I would pump out nearly 60-200 every night, in about 4-5 hours of service. Often with no help, until I convinced the chef that I needed help because I was doing 2-3x the amount of orders that his kitchen team put out... In the same period of time. When I hired help, it was hard to get someone who wanted to move as quickly as was needed for such fast paced turnover. I burned a bridge by hiring a friend and losing my patience with him when he became a little bit complacent at work. I don't blame him. It was not easy.
This gig was pretty decent from New Years 2019-2020. But we all know what happened that following March.
- The entire world shut down.
I had been fired/quit from Nosh after my boss was drinking on the job, getting belligerent and accusing me of mis-labeling items and not doing my job... I have videos from that day where he's threatening me and swearing, spewing lies about my work ethic and generally being verbally abusive/harassing me in the workplace while I was trying to just do my job.
This began my final spiral of depression and hopelessness to the actual "Rock Bottom".
After being fired, I looked immediately for work. Knowing that I had no choice. I got lucky and found work in just a matter of days, down at Berkshire East... March 1st was my starting date. I had 2 checks on payroll before Covid turned the world around for a couple spins. It was hard to figure out unemployment, and fix the issues with my punch-in when everyone went away on vacations/began working from home... And I was in limbo.
The car that I was using had fallen apart, I had no work, nobody did. And I had the least of clues as to what I should be doing with myself. I began with spending my entire stimulus check on indoor growing equipment so I could give my hand at a new hobby. Desiring some sort of ritual, but also wishing to lower my expenses in life. I watched countless videos online about how to build a business, a website, how to save money better without increasing your income. I learned about taxes, and focused on my own crafts and passions.
I dreamt of beginning a podcast, or doing livestreams. Although I had almost no clue where to start... I started researching. Finding something that made me happy, curious and fulfilled. I was finally breaking a cycle. I used my money to fix up my Volvo, and happened to buy a second one while mine was being worked on. And then on September 6th, 2020 after a day of rafting, (Tour guides were deemed okay to return to work in the middle of the summer, as cases continued to rise)...
I rolled the Volvo into a ditch... TOTALLED. The insurance company helped me recoup my losses on all the new parts that I had spent on the vehicle and that was helpful. I started driving the second Volvo that I had bought, a 1992 740T wagon, which began showing signs of failing internals pretty early on.
My commitment to fixing it was minimal. And my mental health spiraled again. This time I had been in therapy for a number of months and was at least focused on getting better. Ultimately, the stress of remembering appointments got overwhelming, and I continued to get worse.
Nothing was coming easily. It seemed like when I thought I was at the bottom, I was actually at a highpoint when I looked back... And it was just a gradual downward sloping hill to this point. Instead of fixing up my car with the insurance check, I spent it on building my business. I set aside some cash for living, everyone else was on unemployment and I was back to work... Barely making it, but taking the risks necessary to do what I wanted... Focusing on photography, the ability to create something for myself, and to share art and stories with others.
I continued my studies, in videography, cinema, graphic design, book keeping, web design and more. If I wasn't working, I was staying up all night, all day, and sometimes for a whole week... Going quite dangerously close to insane. I did not feed myself, I did not sleep, I did not do anything other than focus on how to create something that could provide for me, and maybe turn into a large enough thing that I could hire others, provide for them and continue to do what fulfilled me.
Life suddenly got cheap, and a little easier. I would find gigs every couple months that would supplement entire weeks worth of work at a lower/less desirable wage. I began looking for resources and services that I could use to lower my costs of living and doing business. I jumped into the stock market and lost a good $3,000 over the course of 5 years. Somehow convincing myself that it was better than scratch tickets... It's not. You could have $1,000,000 and be more likely to turn a profit on random scratch tickets probably than to buy stocks and get anxious over 5% fluctuations... only to sell and re-buy when it looks good again, meanwhile... slowly stepping down your position size and taking losses on a winning pick. (You're better off just buying something consistently and holding it for years and year, from my understanding... short term gains are rare and form a gambling mentality.) However, I had been up pretty decently on several picks from the bottom of 2020, my over-all return is still negative.
My first big breaks came in 2021 and 2022 following. I had my website up and running for 2 or 3 years, and had been struggling to find a real identity for my brand. A thing that I struggle with is being told to pick a niche, or pick a genre when it comes to my business. However, people who film and produce movies may stray from their typical "action movie" and the next could be a Love story or a documentary. A singer does not always have to create Pop music, or sing Rock. And so I struggle with being told that my art must be limited to what someone else see's as my ability.
Real Estate, Live shows, personal concept projects, business photos, product photos, headshots and portraits, modeling and weddings... I opened my doors. Anyone who believed in my ability would be able to support and request my eyes and my experience. "Jasper Forest Photo" began taking it's first steps into a real business. Most gigs came as word of mouth, and each project landed me new connections, new eyes and new supporters. Things really were starting get good.
Looking back, I had already built quite a professional looking portfolio, dating back as early as 2013... My first trip to NYC with Libby. I keep building from there, formulating a path and plan, thinking of other businesses and projects that would come after. I landed my first couple gigs that paid out more than $500 for a single day of shooting. Realizing that I still undercharged, after the video editing and photo editing was considered... A 15 hour on-site project, with 400 miles of travel because one day the client was not ready, 25+ hours of editing video and 5 hours of photo editing, I charged $800...
It felt great, regardless of how hard I worked for that money. I made it myself. It proved to me that I could keep doing this, and it could ONLY get better with time and experience. Both of which, I had plenty at this point. I had done so many projects for fun, no pay... This was easy. If I could even make $100 in a day, I would take it just to say I did something and made money on my own. My camera gear came with me wherever I went.
(Below: Some recent work from Events, Marketing, Portrait, Business gigs/projects,
2020-present.)
Next week, we get to explore how this change in my direction with goals has effected my life in greater proportions than I could have ever imagined. Until then, I will leave you with a small Gallery of images from my latest project, which would never have happened without all of the stories that got me here.
Images from "On The Road: An Exploration of Self."
See you next week,
Be Well.
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